I’m 26. I just learned how to do my taxes, which means for the first time, I put some serious thought into how heinous they are.
Sure, they’re a necessary beast. Roads and schools are important. I use roads every day, and I spent loads of time pouring glue into the pencil area of my elementary school desk. However, now that I got the “How To Do Taxes 101” lesson, those irate “They’re spending my tax dollars on that!” comments make so much more sense.
My tax lesson came courtesy of my father. He’s the tax expert in the household, and let’s just say he’s extremely thorough. His go-to move is repeating things between three and 10 times, just to make sure I undoubtedly understand.
It was a long lesson, and I came prepared with popcorn. (I definitely didn’t properly ration my popcorn for the lesson’s entirety.)
I can’t say everything he taught me unnecessary, though. I can, however, say that every thought I had during my lesson fit into the “everything to do with taxes is rubbish” category. Here are the 40 thoughts I had while learning how to do my taxes:
1. What will really happen if I just don’t pay my taxes?
2. Do you think the IRS will make an exception just for me? Like, hey Kelsey, you’re Gucci. There’s no need to pay taxes.
3. Remind me of the difference between an IRA and a Roth IRA again.
4. How is it possible that the government is broke? It’s taking all my money.
5. Did they teach us this in school?
6. There should be a “How To Be An Adult” class in college, and it should teach us this sh*t instead of the history of 10 trillion wars.
7. This is dumb.
8. Why isn’t my income higher?
9. I like gross income so much better than net income.
10. If I call and ask politely, will the investment company up my earnings?
11. My brain is turning to mush.
12. Being an accountant has to be the worst job ever.
13. Being a tax accountant has to be the actual worst job ever.
14. Do people really voluntarily choose to be tax accountants, or are they threatened or bribed with loads of ice cream? Are they paid off?
15. That squirrel outside has an exceptionally bushy tail.
16. How does the government organize all of this? Like, does it have a file on every citizen?
17. Praise my parents for doing this for me for so many years. #Blessed.
18. I need another snack.
19. This is going to get so complicated when I own adult things like a house and large investments.
20. Property taxes can be how much?
21. If that’s the case, I guess I’ll just bank on winning the lottery before I buy a house.
22. No. Just no.
23. I’d rather be a cockatoo than file taxes for a corporation.
25. Can I count beer tabs as deductions? That’d be swell.
26. What the hell is Schedule A? Why is it talking about a Schedule B?
27. Give me a refund. Please give me a refund. Pretty please give me a refund.
28. There’s really an option to enter the total of all sales taxes paid in the year. Seriously?
29. Who the hell collects all his or her receipts and adds up the sales tax? No chance.
30. Wait, how much money could that save me?
31. I don’t want to be an adult.
32. Look, the daffodils outside are starting to bloom.
33. Are we done yet?
34. Wait, people once did this whole tax thing by hand?
35. How the hell did people do this by hand? Praise technology.
36. If I buy a goldfish, can I count it as a dependent?
37. I’m just going to lie on the ground and not move for the rest of eternity if I owe money by the end of this.
38. Adulting is the worst.
39. Taxes are dumb.
40. Real talk here: How quickly can I get my refund?
For all other news on the Entertainment